Imaginary Conversations and Random Thoughts

So we got together again. Mr. Texas, Princess Wolfie, Miss Judi and Miss Lola. You’ll be pleased to know that I brought up the team photo. You may be less pleased to know that no further progress has been made. As for the location, it was one of our old favorites. Princess Wolfie picked it out. And she brought up an interesting point.

Previously, I’ve said that Princess Wolfie likes to be involved and organize things, but I hadn’t given much thoughts to her limits. PW made some comments essentially asking why she should have to be the one to organize and pick the place and contact everyone about our cocktail hours. Watching an episode of That 70’s Show recently helped to crystallize the point. As one of the elders of the youngers, I’ve often felt sensitive to the potential to become the dad of the group. PW seems not to want to be the mom of the group. Which is kind of funny since Neighbor Lady and I are the same age and PW is maybe four years younger than us.

I can’t tell you what PW is thinking, but I can tell you that I sort of feel sick of being the rational one, the one who keeps his feet on the ground all the time. The outer Spock is fine and all, but I need to be in touch with the inner McCoy a little more. Which I’ve sort of been in the process of doing for a while now. But do I have a choice? Which brings us back to the team photo. Maybe I’ll check around and see what’s what with that, research some studios or something.

I was also noticing that Princess Wolfie isn’t wearing the rock. There was a discussion of this at the retreat. Go read that and you’ll see things have changed a little. Fisrt, she’s not wearing the rock. Second, she’s got a place in town now. Instead of meeting hubby at the halfway house every night, she’s staying in town at least during the week. I’m not too sure about weekends either. Why do I even think about these things? I’ve already told myself that I’m over her, that way at least, but thinking about stuff makes me wonder sometimes.

The amazing thing is that I can be so mixed up over that issue, and at the same time feel so clever when discussing the sexiness of ponytails and tattoos, and the philosophy of toilet seat position, that I tried to talk myself into offering a “Dear Floppy” sort of advice column on here. I’ve even put some thought into a short piece on the mystery of lesbians and why guys can’t get enough of them. But enough of that.

One last thing. At a lunch meeting the other day, Miss Straight clued me in on a new term. I had never heard of this before, or at least, never in such clear language. Am I the last to know? Let’s find out. Of the handful of you that read this, let’s have a little test. Have you ever heard the term “California Black”? I’ll get to it soon.

Holy crap my little angels thanks for being so patient with me. Maybe a little round up for you would be in order.

Ok I must have told you that Miss Tori and I are co-managing one of our client bases. At least, I think I mentioned it. I just looked for a link and couldn’t find it. This was a job Princess Wolfie conned me into. We had a bit of a snafu. Miss Tori or I have to sign off on major expenditures. The president of the client needed some equipment that had been shipped. Neither of us were around to approve the purchase order, so she went ahead and signed Miss Tori’s name. Not so good. I mean, either of us would have approved the purchase, but forging signatures on payment papers is a no-no. After a contentious meeting, the clients decided the written and public apology was sufficient, and that the president didn’t have to resign. Things have been pretty smooth since then.

Drinking Buddy gets me in trouble sometimes. He’s the one that convinced me to go to this concert. The night before a big thing at work. You see, other people are sticks in the mud. I’m more like rebar in the cement. Well up at the retreat, on a long drive mentioned here, DB and I had occasion to be behind a Hummer, which I kind of like. So now for the last three months, every once in a while he’ll ask me when I’m getting my new Hummer. Actually, it would be an H2. Or maybe H3, which comes out next spring.

Usually I’m a low profile, fly under the radar kind of cat. Old me would never get an H2. And I had a couple of good excuses. First, my current vehicle has almost two more years on the lease. An even better excuse is that I live in a tiny place. With a tiny garage. An H2 wouldn’t even fit in my garage, and there’s no way I would park it on the street.

After some more prodding, I went to do some research. At least I could dream, and maybe take a test drive or something. The dream part worked. For the test drive part, the nearest dealer is forty miles away. I’ll cruise across town to check out a car, just to get out of the house, but I’m not driving forty miles to test drive a car I know I’m not buying for a couple of years at least. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I wrote down the dimensions of an H2 and saw that it actually might fit in my garage after all. Big picture? I have two years to save my pennies and clean the garage. And the saving pennies part is the easy half of the equation.

Update: Ha ha ha! Just realized that the concert post linked to up there has a brief mention of Hummers near the end. Circle of life, baby!

…is a day when we take time to take stock of our nation, where we are, and where we’re going. You may recall that on past Wednesdays, we have pointed to ways to help President Bush and various candidates for senate. Now that the election is less than a week away, we have two links for you.

First is the 72 Hour Project, which spends the last few days getting out the vote. Info on how you can help can be found here. You go look now!

You can also fond out about voting early here. You go look now!

I think after this week I'll be less busy. Or at least a better poster.

Ok so there’s a sort of lunch room on our side of the office that many of us go to for lunch. Normally it’s fine. However, we have one annoying person who has driven away one person already. Our office is overwhelmingly liberal and Democrat. The annoying person is one of them. I call him Captain Burnout. He’s one of these types with a dreamy air of unreality about him. Kinda spacey. But definitely an advocate.

Normally politics won’t even come up. Occasionally, Captain Burnout will slip in a crack on Bush in the midst of discussing some issue or other. But now that it’s an election year, he’s more active. Usually I just ignore it and chitter chat with Princess Wolfie and Neighbor Lady and sometimes Drinking Buddy. Usually. But the other day he actually said Republicans are into bestiality. Even among the rest of the libs, there was a moment of stunned silence. I was offended. Mrs. Kazinski up and left. Remind me to tell you about her later. After she left, Captain Burnout laughingly asked “Do you think she was mad?” How I hope and pray for an overwhelming Bush victory so that I can savor the sweet justice.

Was my mommy the only one to advise against discussing politics or religion just for this kind of reason?

...later tonight. More when I get back.

Actual Update: Saturday. Yeah, it didn’t happen after all. We had some work stuff to do. While Neighbor Lady and I focused on that, Princess Wolfie and Miss Judy had to make some deliveries. Mr. Texas and Drinking Buddy were working in documents and communication all night. And while all this was going on, Miss Lola was running a client party. So where do I begin?

Ok. Neighbor Lady and I finished up with our stuff, and she had to go home to guests from out of town. Princess Wolfie has a sort of love hate relationship with another division within the company, and she was in a bad mood by the end of the evening, not up to going out. Mr. Truck is our longest commuter, and on hearing this news, he decided to call it a night too. And so did I. Drinking Buddy went to tie up some last minute details at the client party. It didn’t sound like he would be going out either. Maybe I’ll let you know Monday if anyone went out after all.

Because here’s my problem, which wasn’t a problem before now and still might not be a problem. Once I’m out of the office, I’m pretty much incommunicado. Of course I have a regular phone at home, which almost no one calls. And I do have a cell phone for client emergencies that I never use otherwise. And since no one calls me, I’ve never been in the habit of giving out my number. Even though the number of calls I get is extremely low, the number of calls I make is even lower. So what’s the etiquette of giving out your number? Do you just say to someone, hey even though I’ll probably never call you, and you’ll probably never call me, let’s exchange numbers? See, since Team Magnum is work based, we all see each other there and make plans there as well. Except Miss Sunny. Remind me later about her and why she had to leave the company. And she’s probably out of Team Magnum too. And there’s sex involved.

There’s never really been a need to call to make plans. So if moods shifted and some of them did go out after all, I was out of reach. Oh well. I’ve been thinking about getting a new cell phone anyway. The one I have now is getting close to four years old. It’s practically a tin can with string. Anyone have any ideas? I did find out I’m not under contract anymore, and can switch to any company or plan at any time.

But let’s talk about food. Now of course, I’ve told you all about the effect she has on me (which is different now, but still good), but it turns out I’m not the only one. She ate last night at work with Miss Judy. And then one of her clients came by to drop off dinner for her. And then Drinking Buddy comes by with more food for her. If you’re a long time reader, all three of you, you don’t need an update on Princess Wolfie and that whole situation. If you do need an update, let me know. And now back to food.

Ok food can be messy. Now at a food eating establishment, this can be managed. Eating on the fly, not so easy. DB would have brought me something, but I wasn’t thinking fast enough and said no to avoid the mess. I should have just asked for fries. This particular establishment from which he was bringing food has good fries. So I didn’t have anything. And I don’t eat during lunch at work either. I just get a soda from the machine. About which, the comments have died down quite a bit. Princess Wolfie hasn’t nagged me about it for a few weeks now. And I mean it’s not like I’m getting any skinnier.

I’ve been at this weight for months now. Since spring at least. And even though a couple of weeks ago someone at the office asked me about it with one of those tones of concern, and mentioned that I didn’t need to lose any more weight, the fact is that I need to lose another twenty pounds to get into the green zone on that stupid chart at the doctor’s office. At least I’m in the yellow and not the red. Oh yeah and my blood pressure was down last time I went in. What time was that? Well it was the time I went in for what has become the post that is near the top of the most common search engine hits I get on this site. As long as I’m at it, I got a haircut recently too. Not as good as the last one. I had to chit chat a little this time. Ok maybe I’m rambling a little. Probably a good sign that I should wrap this up.

Alternate title: “When I cheated on Jackie, I did it out of joy.” What TV show?

Sorry about the mixed up title. I was just playing big time reporter and writing the post ahead of time. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d give you a link to show what I’m talking about. Those who are familiar with the topic and actually have motivation can send me a link.

Anyway, go Boston! Or maybe I should say go Red Sox, since Boston’s citizenry didn’t exactly cover themselves with glory in their celebrations. Still too lazy; just think random destruction of property. But saying they did it out of joy is just as unsatisfying as it was to Jackie.

What made this year different? Blame it on the Force. Just scroll up, and keep your eyes peeled for the pictures, from the starting point here. You go look now!

…is a day when we take time to take stock of our nation, where we are, and where we’re going. You may recall that on past Wednesdays, we have pointed to ways to help President Bush. Now that the convention has passed, our focus shifts to important senate races around the counrty. Today we are supporting Jim DeMint in South Carolina.

Those who would like to help Jim DeMint can find out how to donate to his campaign here. You go look now!

So I managed to hear back from some of our Team Magnum members who have gone to see Team America. Thumbs are up from Mr. Texas and Drinking Buddy. And then Princess Wolfie says to me it was too gross. I think my response was something like “Hey, Mrs. Bomb. Get out of the shelter.” I mean come on, it was puppets. I mean if she wants to see gross, she should wait for the DVD. There’s likely to be more that was cut from the sex scene to make the R rating.

My crack research staff went through the records and determined that the sex scene in the theatrical release pretty much fit the standards of your average porn flick. According to them, none of the positions were out of the ordinary. Now, the question remains as to whether or not your average everyday person would actually use all of the positions seen in the film. The staff only compared it to porn. For some reason, their own personal experiences were not consulted.

As a firm believer in the scientific method and the good that science can do, I personally am willing to do the experiments that would decide this issue one way or the other. All I need is a lab assistant. Hmmm, maybe “firm” was a poor word choice.

While the positions are obviously possible, are they really practical for your average couple? Based on Princess Wolfie’s reaction, it seems like the answer would be no. Well “seems like” just isn’t good enough for me! In fact, I resolve that by the end of the decade, I will have tried all those positions and reported safely back to you. Hey! That sounded like a Kennedy line! And it’s probably what he was thinking as he said his line about getting a man to the moon. It’s not too ambitious, is it? I mean, five years is probably enough time, even for me, right?

Well, that wasn’t too bad. Hope nobody fainted.

Oh yeah! Go see Team America!

And you can read another review here and another roundup of reviews here. You go look now!

Initial results for Team America: World Police have been less than promising. I cannot support this movie all by myself. Go see it now!

But maybe I was hoping for too much. It’s not summer. The movie is rated R. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut only made $52 million. On the other hand, Team America is about a million ahead of SP:BLU for estimated opening weekend results.

That’s all well and good, but how was the movie? I thought it was great. And it’s especially great if you have been a fan of shoot em up type movies in the past. Lots of clever references on this front. Lots of stuff gets blown up. Good guys and bad guys fighting it out for world peace. Bad guys defeated in interesting and funny ways. A good movie on straight shoot em up consideration.

You’ll often hear a reviewer complain that characters are cliches, or plot elements are retreads of other movies. These can be legitimate criticisms of serious movies. However, in satire, it’s a compliment. This is especially true for Team America, and fun is poked at all sides. This doesn’t keep Parker and Stone from choosing a winner.

Team America members are committed and willing to lay their lives on the line for, well, America. And they don’t mind breaking a few eggs (or national landmarks) to make a “destroy all terrorists” omelet. Which kicks ass. Of course this is the part that liberals would say makes fun of unthinking jingoistic super patriots who support Bush. I don’t think I’m quite in that camp, but I do support our president. I think a key difference is that we on the right can see “our” side made fun of and still laugh.

Satire on the left in Team America is directed at Michael Moore and other Hollywood liberals. The film shines here as well. When Kim Jong-Il needs help in his evil plan, he turns to Hollywood, and there are plenty of actors willing to oblige him. The UN (who sends really angry letters) is also considered part of the unhelpful side, and Hans Blix demonstrates a new wieght loss strategy for those on the left to try.

Team America is loaded with puppets, which made all of the above even more hilarious. I can’t help it. The puppets crack me up. Seeing all the strings, the cheesy jet exhaust, even the articulated knee joints in the obligatory action movie love scene was terrific. I keep thinking of the 1960’s Batman TV show and movie. Like Team America, Batman was funny just because of what you were looking at with the costumes and the cheesy dialogue and the BAM! And KERPOW! flashes on the screen. Team America has that sort of stuff, sure, but the material itself is so much funnier.

Once, when I was young and foolish, I complained to my English teacher that musicals were lame because they used a bunch of songs to make up for no plot. This was in a review of that movie with the Jets and the Sharks, Tony and Maria, a version of Romeo and Juliet, was it West Side Story? Whatever. Not a great moment for my first film review. I’ve grown a little since then, and I can appreciate music a little more. I loved the songs for this movie. I’ll be getting the soundtrack shortly. Like everything else in this film, the songs were funny and made me laugh.

Parker and Stone have done another great job with this Team America. They also realize that even with the satire, even with the musical numbers, hell, even with the puppet sex, the fact is that sometimes doing the right thing is not always the easiest or most popular thing. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.

A couple of final notes:

This movie was probably more truthful than Fahrenheit 9/11.

Unlike Micheal Moore, you get the feeling Parker and Stone actually love this country, even when they take jabs at our foreign policy.

You can check out much better reviews from these esteemed worthies:

Roger L Simon is here. You go look now!

Mean Mr. Mustard is here. You go look now!

And some guy I never heard of is here. You go look now!

Leave a vote in the comments for the title of this crappy review.

Actual Update: Nevermind. I came up with one a minute ago.

Actual Update II: Dr Rusty Shackleford at My Pet Jawa has a nice collection of links to reviews by other esteemed worthies here. You go look now!

And thanks to the good doctor for pointing me to another kitty on the web, and this one's an Empress! Her thoughts on the movie are here. You go look now!

Actual Update III: I forgot, but don’t you forget to check back with Dr. Shackleford on Wednesday for his review. Oh. And maybe I should add that these updates came Monday night maybe 7-7:30 pm.

Faithful readers like Allie Cat will know that someday I plan to become benevolent dictator. And that I would like the benevolent power of life and death, preferably by laser. Which is all well and good for the future, but how do I get from here to there?

That information has been a closely guarded secret. Unfortunately, the secret has been leaked. Lord Floppington has eyes and ears everywhere. Our Sexy Texy correspondent from the great sandbox state sounded the alarm. Might as well come clean.

Yes, I am raising a secret army that will do my dirty work so I can remain benevolent while conquering those who are somehow lesser. If you see this army near you, do not be alarmed. Simply submit to their will. Those who resist shall be neutralized. Those who are lesser shall be neutralized. Those who are worthy shall be placed in positions of dominance.

How shall you recognize this army? You shall know the day of revolution is at hand when you look out your window and see this. You go look now!

Team America: World Police opens today. Your mission is to help this movie crush Fahrenheit 9/11 at the box office. You must go see it. I think our goal is doable, but we do face the hurdle of a fall movie up against a summer movie. The tender vittles:

Weekend one: $23,920,627
Weekend two: $22,027,125
Weekend three: $11,030,898
Weekend four: $7,175,674
Weekend five: $4,759,921
Weekend six: $3,109,038
Weekend seven: $1,911,605
Weekend eight: $1,011,855

Add another eight weeks under a million and you get a grand total so far of $119,078,393.

Our work may be cut out for us, but I’m sure it’s nothing a bunch of fun-loving, optimistic Americans can’t handle. Especially when it’s a chance to crush Michael Moore. Oh wait. Russel Wardlow pointed out that in a crushing competition, Moore has a distinct advantage. Then maybe we should take the words of C. Montgomery Burns, “Destroy him!”

And check out these esteemed worthies who are fighting the just fight.

Incredibly Insightful Robert can be found here. You go look now!

Mean Mr. Mustard weighs in here. You go look now!

And Bill at INDC Journal’s thoughts are here. You go look now!

Even CBS is getting in on the act. Their accurate (as far as we know) story is here. You go look now!

Well, maybe just a little more from Roger L. Simon (bonus: follow the “timing” link to see the trailer) here. You go look now!

Check out the Team America: World Police site here. You go look now!

And see how much fun you can have putting the guys in the girl’s uniforms with the create your own character generator here. You go look now!

Update: I wonder how many other Team America people are starches?

You can’t get Better. Stronger. Faster than this post by Stephen Green here. You go look now!

Some of these people are mentioned here and here.

Another one of these people is Roger L. Simon and you can read his thoughts here. You go look now!

Who are these people? They’re all talking about what Simon calls a “real movie.” What movie? Team America: World Police. Go see this movie! Do to the box office of Fahrenheit 9/11 what this movie does to Michael Moore!

Here’s which biological molecule I am: Starch. If I ever start losing weight again, I could be Light Starch. That’s what I get on my shirts.


You are starch. You are rigid, opinionated,
hard-willed and not too friendly about it. You
keep people out of places, or you keep them in,
and without you a lot of things would collapse.
hopefully you'll never have the authority to
burn people at the stake. Sir. Ma'am.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Actual Update: Hopefully I'll never have the authority. But it's still possible, right? Actually, I'd prefer my own personal space based laser, like this one here. You go look now!

Actual Update II: Burnings at the stake are messier and smellier. And they take longer. The space laser is cleaner, has no smell, and is much kinder to the recipient of the righteous justice than a burning at the stake is. You'll note in the artist's rendering linked above that the recipient only has time to widen his eyes in surprise before being reduced to a pile of ashes which could be used as fertilizer in your garden. It's like recycling. See what an environmentally conscious benevolent dictator I would be? I mean, I still want the power of life and death, but in a benevolent way. I'd be recycling all the time.

…is a day when we take time to take stock of our nation, where we are, and where we’re going. You may recall that on past Wednesdays, we have pointed to ways to help President Bush. Now that the convention has passed, our focus shifts to important senate races around the counrty. Today we are supporting Tom Coburn in Oklahoma.

Those who would like to help Tom Coburn can find out how to donate to his campaign here. You go look now!

Read part one here.

Check out the Team America: World Police movie trailer here. You go look now!

Last time, I think I pretty well covered Special movies. Since I hate all annoying people, I don’t usually go to the movies. Special movies are those that have some extra value on the big screen that makes it worth putting up with jerks. Then I got burned out before I got to Social movies.

Social movies are movies that I go to see for the sake of hanging out with people. This category includes the other movie I’ve seen in theaters this year, Starsky and Hutch. You see, the Matron has decided that we need to hang out more. I’m not sure if she’s feeling old (which she’s not), or if she’s feeling sorry for me on my own again. Whatever the case, seeing a movie was on the agenda for one of my visits to the Hall of Elders North. Of course seeing movies on dates or with friends are also examples of Social movies. I’m trying to convince Team Magnum to go see it together; we’ll see how that goes.

More from future Team America movie attendee and esteemed worthy Frank J can be found here. You go look now!

And esteemed worthy INDC Bill’s thoughts on the movie can be found here. You go look now!

And then check out what one of the Llama Butchers has to say. It’s not Amazingly Perceptive Steve this time. Get the straight scoop from Incredibly Insightful Robert here. You go look now!

And read this neat article (with a spoiler) here. You go look now!

This Friday Team America: World Police will be opening. I will be seeing it. In the theater. Possibly more than once. And thanks to Mean Mr. Mustard for getting me off my duff to write this.

Thing is, I normally don’t go to see movies in the theater. It isn’t the cold air conditioning, which I prefer. It isn’t the ridiculously priced snacks and drinks; after all, it’s only money. It’s the people. I’m sure I’ve told you before that I hate all other people who drive on the same roads at the same time as me. Well, I don’t like having people in the same theater with me, unless they’ve actually gone to see the movie with me, if you catch my meaning. People let their little kids run up and down the aisles. People are noisy. People are generally stupid and I hate them. Of course, if you’re bright enough to be reading this blog, I don’t consider you part of the general population. You are the elites who will dominate all others when I become benevolent dictator.

Anyway, it finally came down to diminishing returns. Pretty much the only advantage theaters have over home viewing is bigness and loudness. I’d prefer to control my own loudness, thank you very much. And as for bigness, except for spectacular action type movies, it doesn’t really matter that much. Plus those seem more likely to be crowded with a greater percentage of the less aware who might annoy me. I prefer to watch them over and over on DVD or cable. So for me, theaters have a slightly negative rating. In most cases, the negatives outweigh the positives, and I’m just not interested in going to the movies.

And then there are the exceptions. I’ll begin with two categories: special movies and social movies. Special movies are those that, for some reason, are worth going to the theater to see.

I mentioned above spectacular action type movies. If a movie has just some people talking, I can see that on TV. I mean, Paul Newman is a good-looking guy, but seeing his thirty foot high head in a close-up on the movie screen does nothing more for me than a close-up on my TV screen. The spectacular action movie does look better on the big screen. A massive explosion that fills the screen is simply more massive at the theater. I’m not saying spectacular action movies are necessarily quality films. I think Roger Ebert once said “If you walk out after the movie and you’re talking about the special effects, it couldn’t have been that great a story.” Again, I think it was him, and my memory may be giving you more of a paraphrase than a quote. I just mean that sometimes it’s fun to see stuff blow up (ID4). Sometimes it’s fun to see bad guys get blasted (Tombstone). And sometimes it’s fun to see Sauron defeated and Middle Earth returned to peace (Do I really have to name it?). And that was one of two movies I’ve seen this year in theaters.

Special movies can also be have-to-see-it movies. That’s what Return of the King was for me. Ask me later if you have to know the details. This is also the Team America category. I can’t wait to see it. I’m trying hard to think of the last have-to-see-it movie before Return of the King, and I guess it was The Two Towers. And before that, Fellowship of the Ring. Before that, I can’t remember. And now I’ve got Team America.

But it’s not just me. Check out these other esteemed worthies who will be seeing this movie. Frank J makes his intentions plain here. You go look now!

And you can see Mean Mr. Mustard’s solemn pledge here. You go look now!

Read the comments too, for a special tip.

Me done typing for now. I’ll have to do social movies another time. Go see Team America!

You can find part eight here.

I find that it’s time once again to examine my own evolution and see how things are going. Last time, I was a Large Mammal, and I’m still there. Let’s face it. I’m not likely to go much higher. Plus, I’ve actually dropped a bit from previous highs. I’m no longer in the 400’s. This week I’m 557. I’ve come semi-far in the ecosystem, all the way to level thirteen (of sixteen) but I’ll have to go three times as far to get the next rung. Continuing the tradition, I shall now take a look at the Large Mammals just above and below me.

A red cape is being dangled by (one spot above me): Defective Yeti. Tagline: Don‘t make me pull this internet over.

What’s that? The tagline alone makes this sound like a blog you’d want to read? Me too. But still, I’d better take a look at the actual posts. Or the blogroll. Hardly anyone I recognize on it. That’s a good sign; I might learn something new here. Includes current books movies and games he enjoys. The he in question is “Matthew Baldwin, Pretty Okay Guy.” And modest too! Really good stuff. Lots of humor, and I can already tell his humor clicks with me very well. He’s going on my regular reading list. And if he isn’t on my blogroll in two weeks, remind me to correct the oversight or justify the reasons I’m not adding him. Pacing: Skipped several days while in D.C., but normally a post a day. Prescription: five times a week for two weeks, then as needed.

My sharpened horns have gored (one spot below me): Coultergeist. Tagline: None.

This is Ann Coulter’s page on the Human Events Online website. For some reason it’s fairly empty right now, but you can still follow lots of links to various columnists and news events. A useful site, but I already have enough to read online. Columnists and news reporting with steady pacing. Prescription, twice a week for one week, then as needed.

Some of you may have seen this before. It’s a three part story linked over at Powerline about a young woman’s recovery from devastating injuries suffered in a roadside bomb attack in Iraq. Part three is up today. I dare you to look at her pic and not read the whole story. It is definitely worth your time, especially if you don’t have a loved one in the armed forces. The story can be found here. You go look now!

So what the heck is this post all about? Well, we’re getting closer to the election, and I wanted to talk a bit about why I love America.

First, I’d like to say that world travel is very important for anyone who lives in America. Full disclosure demands that I admit I’ve only been to Mexico. And even in Mexico, I haven’t traveled extensively. I’ve been to a few coastal cities and towns, and a couple of towns more in the interior. Many of you have been to Mexico, and many others of you have reasonable access to Canada. And by many, I mean the hypothetical millions out there as well as the seven or eight who will actually read this.

The reason travel is so important is because living in the forest of America can make it difficult to see the trees of the world as a whole, if you get my drift. We live in a wonderful country. We are so blessed to be here. When I think about what my life might have been like if I had lived in some other country, it makes me want to kill myself. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad.

But I’m not just talking about third world countries. Even places like England or Australia, and I would love to visit both of them, don’t strike me as places I’d want to live. They just make me think about all the things in America I’d miss. Maybe we could take a look at a few.

Television. I’ve watched some BBC. I’m sure everyone has some favorites. Monty Python. Benny Hill. Numerous Trading Places style home makeover shows. Joking Apart. Naked Chef. Doctor Who. I’ve heard that many of the shows are six or twelve episode story arcs and that’s it. It’s just a style of producing over there. But then other shows seem to have gone on forever. I’m no expert, but I definitely know I’m not in favor of the government forcing me to pay for television. I mean, what would American TV be like if it was all PBS? PBS makes some good shows, but a little more creative variety is nice.

Voting. Every four years I get to vote for president. Every two years there are congressional and senate races, along with a host of state and local government races and issues up for vote. I’m no expert on voting practices in other countries, but I frequently seem to hear about this or that party in some country losing hold on a coalition government and needing new elections. Every four years is good enough for me. It’s dependable. Our orderly transition of power is something to be envied. The two party system is also very valuable. Six or seven parties holding ten or fifteen or twenty percent of congressional seats does not work for me. Two parties are enough to cover the issues. And trust me, even within the two parties, there is plenty of differences in opinion to allow various combinations of bipartisanship. Leading up to this election, I will grant you that we have become increasingly polarized. However, I still have faith in the democrats to regain a modicum of reality. We may need another twenty years, but I think we’ll get there. Unfortunately, it may take the death of everyone old enough to remember Vietnam to make it happen.

Health care when I need it, not when the government says it’s my turn to have it. I cringe every time I hear about people denied treatment because government health care has to be rationed. And these are countries we might consider our (perhaps lesser) peers. You’ve heard that saying that democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others. I believe the same is true of our health care system. Do we have problems? Yes. Could it be better? Also yes. But county hospitals don’t bitch about covering uninsured patients for free because they don’t let them in. They bitch because they do have to let them in. Visiting County General may not be a trip to the sort of medicalized Ritz-Carlton you might find at a high end private hospital, but it is a hospital that gives medical care.

Infrastructure. You have to make an effort in America to find a dirt road. In other countries, the trick can be finding a paved road. Go visit a national park. After enjoying the beauty of the location, take a moment to feel grateful to live in a nation that is able to support these sorts of “frivolous” places. Other nations worry about feeding everyone or putting down armed rebellion; our government worries about maintaining vacation spots for our citizens.

Food. This is a biggie. Here’s one of the most impressive things about America to foreigners who visit here or come to live here: no matter where you live, you have access to almost any type of food, no matter what time of year it is. And you don’t have to go to special government stores for the rich or powerful. I happened to visit a grocery type store or two (small ones) in Mexico, and I was surprised to find empty shelves and lousy produce. I’ve been spoiled in America. Visit an American grocery store in December, and you’ll find summer crops from all over the world. Buy a basket of hothouse tomatoes. We are fortunate to live in a land of plenty.

LT (who has since been called up to serve our nation) and I went to a conference with a few other people from our office, and we had a shocking moment. One of the activies was a thought exercise about people who come to America. One lady there had a problem with the exercise because it implied or perhaps I should say it was founded on the notion that people want to come here. She seemed to feel that this was a faulty premise because of the assumption that other people would like to live in America. I don’t want to overstate her case, but she believed that other people in other countries don’t like America and wouldn’t want to come here. I think I know who she’ll be voting for. Please take a moment and think rationally. Do you honestly believe that America is so sucky that nobody wants to come here? Yeah, tell that to illegal aliens risking their lives crossing our southern deserts. And while I hear lots of complaints about outsourcing jobs, I sure don’t hear many stories about people outsourcing their entire lives to another country. Do you know anyone who was born here and decided to move there? Not just for work, or temporarily. I mean people who said America wasn’t for them, and they want to spend the rest of their lives in England or Sweden or Nigeria or wherever? And unless your life is more insulated than the center of a packed to the rafters ice chest warehouse, I’ll bet you do know people who came to America from another country.

I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life outside America. Even though I like Arnold, and even though if the Constitution is changed to allow him to run for president I think he would win, I would still prefer that this change not take place. Being born and raised somewhere is a powerful thing. Maybe I’m holding on to tradition for tradition’s sake, but sometimes you feel a thing in your gut, and this is one of those things for me.

I love this country, warts and all. I’m fortunate to be here. I’m grateful. You should be too.

I think this will be a shortie, so I didn’t think Team Magnum Cocktail Hour would quite work.

We got together once again. Unlike last time, Neighbor Lady managed to make it. Also in attendance: Drinking Buddy, Mr. Texas, Miss Judi, Miss Lola, Sista Girl, Princess Wolfie, Miss Sunny. We never did get around to any official business, even though we actually made an agenda:

1. Team Magnum Picture

2. Initiations

3. Drink Beer

Somehow, item three got moved to the top of the agenda, and we never managed to move on from there. I take that back. Drinking Buddy and I briefly mentioned the initiation we had gone through. Then it was mentioned that we really shouldn’t discuss the initiation with the Magnum Pledges present, as it were. Which was just Neighbor Lady, now that I think of it. Miss Tori is another pledge. There may be one or two others. Maybe I’ll try to work on an initiation ceremony. Send me some ideas if you feel motivated.

On the picture issue, we just confirmed we were going for 20’s style.

And a good time was had by all.

I first became aware of Dave Huber when he commented on this post of mine. I linked to his post on the topic, which you can find here. You go look now!

Recently Dave directed his Unibeam to a different set of specifics on the same topic, the disproportionate treatment of African Americans. The post is here. You go look now!

So I just saw a local news promo asking what’s behind Howard Stern’s move to satellite radio. I’ll tell you. $500,000,000. Five hundred million dollars. For that kind of money, I’d jog across the country naked. For $700,000,000 the country would pay me not to. You have my word of honor on that. If you want to guarantee my non-nudity, you know what to do. Or you could just check out Stern’s new deal here. You go look now!

Strengthen the Good is an effort to identify worthy micro-charities in an effort to focus attention and donations on smaller charities that don’t get all the press of the biggies. Learn more about Strengthen the Good by clicking the STG button over on the left there. The latest identified charity is Garden of Angels. The tender vittles:

When this micro-charity was first brought to my attention, I was only told "It's a bittersweet thing--you'll understand when you read it."

And indeed it is.

How’s this for fighting evil by doing something good: claiming the bodies of abandoned infants ... those left in dumpsters, bathrooms, or by the side of the road ... and giving them names and dignified burials.

That’s what Debi Faris does, and her Garden of Angels effort is the latest charity profiled by Strengthen the Good.

Please read the full details and find out how to contribute to Garden of Angels here. You go look now!

…is a day when we take time to take stock of our nation, where we are, and where we’re going. You may recall that on past Wednesdays, we have pointed to ways to help President Bush. Now that the convention has passed, our focus shifts to important senate races around the counrty. Today we are supporting Richard Burr in North Carolina.

Those who would like to help Richard Burr can find out how to donate to his campaign here. You go look now!

Alternate title: “Do you feel lucky, Punk?” What movie?

So I had a recent visit to the Hall of Elders North. Earlier visits were reported here and here.

Now you’re familiar with the pesky non-human mammals. This visit I got a close up look at two of the non-pesky rabbits. Except for Bugs, rabbits are dense. I’ll give you Rabbit Two first. For reasons related to Rabbit One, we didn’t want Rabbit Two to get into the former chicken run. Remind me later if you want the saga of the chickens. There was a gap in the chicken run fence that Rabbit Two might have entered, and I was walking up to him to shoo him away. Chicken run fence forms an “L” intersection with a chain link section of horse corral fence. The gap is right in the corner. Stupid Rabbit Two will not run to the immense open part of the yard. Instead, he runs into both fences three or four times. Bounced right off and got up to try again. Finally, he went out to the open yard. And we got a little insight into what happened to Rabbit One.

Rabbit one actually was inside the chicken run. Apparently, something spooked him, and he leaped right at the chicken run fence. None of his feet were lucky. Instead of hitting the wires that formed the squares of the fence, he hit one of the squares dead-on and his head popped through. He managed to get his front legs through. The rest of him could not fit, or get, through the fence. And he couldn’t get any leverage to pull himself back out. Again, this is all speculation, but fairly reasonable.

Carpenter discovered Rabbit One at let’s say 10:00AM. But the head was laying on the ground a few feet away. Other than that, the head and body were in good shape. My speculation: Caprenter didn’t notice Rabbit One when he first got out to the garden area. He may have rattled around for a half hour. Whatever had just begun its rabbit brunch was scared off, but didn’t go far. This speculation is reasonable based on what followed.

I arrived and was eventually conducted to Rabbit One. Who had become . . . somewhat diminished. Ok maybe this has been too gross already. The remaining details are grisly and perhaps best left to your imaginations. Ask me later if you really need to hear it.

A side note that was funny, twice. The Matron asked about the situation at Camp South. Were they going to keep it? And then Matron half-jokingly asked if she and Carpenter could use it. We both laughed over that, because we both knew that Patron Prime was extremely strict about access to Camp South. Please note this visit took place before the wedding mentioned at the Camp South link above. After I heard at the wedding that the gates were open at Camp South, I got a bonus chuckle thinking of the question Matron had asked just a few days before.

And there was much rejoicing, “Yayyy!”

And check out Chase Bradstreet’s blog here. You go look now!

Update: Team Magnum cocktail hour Thursday night.

Frank J is having a contest. You have the opportunity to write some clever ad copy for his Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt. You can only send one entry. Frank will choose his five favorite and give everyone a chance to vote on the winner. You can be a famous winner, and even claim to be a paid, or at least compensated, writer. And you’re published in an advertisement sure to be seen by many. Even more, since you know you’ll be bragging to all your friends and linking like crazy to the t-shirt page to shout your triumph to the rooftops. There is also a time limit. The contest opened for forty-eight hours from 4:52pm, Monday October 4th. Send in your entry by that time Wednesday. All the details can be found here. You go look now!

Here’s my own entry: While all hippies are liberals, not all liberals are hippies. They are adept at taking numerous forms. Even though daffy behaviors expose many liberals, others are more difficult to spot. Your duty is to inform your fellow citizens about the dangers of liberals lurking in our midst. This pre-shrunk cotton t-shirt is your primary weapon against Thy Enemy: Liberals. You'll hang the liberals with their own rope when you share this knowledge to each, according to his needs.

Figured I might as well put it here, since it’s not likely to be in the top five.

You can find part seven here.

I find that it’s time once again to examine my own evolution and see how things are going. Last time, I was a Large Mammal, and I’m still there. Let’s face it. I’m not likely to go much higher. I’ve come semi-far in the ecosystem, all the way to level thirteen (of sixteen) but I’ll have to go three times as far to get the next rung. Continuing the tradition, I shall now take a look at the Large Mammals just above and below me.

My sharp elephant tusks are seeking (one spot above me): The Pink Flamingo Bar Grill. Tagline: None.

This blog is written by Pierre Legrand. He is a political blogger supporting our President. Better yet, I recently got a referral from this site, so it must be good. Smart and funny in places, this blog is a good resource. You’ll find original thoughts and plenty of links to big pieces on the right side of the blog o sphere. Steady pacing with mostly medium length posts. Prescription: Three times a week for one week, then as needed.

My massive elephant feet have trampled (one spot below me): Blog Hot or Not. Tagline: None.

Die blog die!. I don’t know what this site is. Maybe some sort of ad or something. There’s only about five lines, I guess of blogs you could vote on as hot or not. Big whoop. Prescription: Recalled. Do not consume.

Further review of testing data finds that this is a result page for one blog that is part of the Hot or Not universe. There are 100 categories, and blogs are rated by readers. I’m already doing the ecosystem thing, so I’m not going to sign up for this one, but you can. Click some of the links on the page to find out how you can sign up. Updated prescription: Once. Then as needed.

Ok lots of background first. In the past, I’ve mentioned the Hall of Elders. In fact, there are two halls. All previous post referred to what will now be called Hall of Elders North. This is the HQ for the Matron and second hubby Carpenter. Hall of Elders South is the Patron’s HQ. Patron was previously married to second wifey Typist. From them came Special K, Code Name Eagle, and Little D. I just got back from the Patron’s third wedding, to Sweetie-Pie. Sweetie Pie has two daughters, one of whom has a young son, Little C. You’ll forgive me if I need more time for the daughters’ nicknames. I just found out I need the names. Little C’s mom is now Miss Nicky and daughter number two is K-Shot

Ok so far? Good. Just like at the last wedding, there were several hotties, and just like at the last wedding, any hottie relatives are by way of a marriage that also doesn’t exist anymore. I mentioned my muddled heritage before. I can’t recall where, but I didn’t say much more there than I just did here: muddled heritage. I don’t know any more than that myself. And I don’t really have an inclination to ask. Weird.

Anyway, the wedding was very nice. It was held in the spacious back yard of a friend of the bride. Most of the guests were high school peers of the Patron, and I had grown up knowing them. It was nice to catch up. They are still just as much fun as I remembered.

I also had a chance to chitter chatter with Miss Nicky during dinner. At the table were Miss Nicky (and Little C.), K-Shot, K-Shot’s friend Miss Red, Special K, and her friend Special R. We had a blast. Their plan was to go out after. My plan was to go home. Mainly because I’m not much of a dancer and I figured they wanted to go dancing. And it’s only just as I’m typing this that it occurred to me that they might just want to go drinking somewhere. Oh well, maybe next time. Besides not wanting to go dancing, I also am pretty tired. I usually get up at 5 A.M. on weekdays. If I’m lucky, it’s lights out by 11 PM. I was up late Thursday night. I closed a bar with Team Magnum Friday night, and the Patron called me early this morning to tell me I had to be there an hour early. So I’m running on maybe eight hours of sleep since Thursday, plus a bit of a hangover that fortunately disappeared by the time I got to the wedding. And just like with the Hall of Elders North, I’m an out-of-towner with a bit of a drive home. I dunno. Maybe I’m just rationalizing. I should have gone. Plus, it would have saved me some trouble.

K-Shot gave a nice big hug to the Patron, saying how happy she was to be part of a new family, blah-blah. And then she turns around and lays into me. Here I am with a new step-sister, and I won’t even sit down for a drink with her and I got a coldish handshake. I felt a little guilty. Then again, she was about two sheets to the wind by this time. The girls were buzzed on Red Bull and about five bottles of champagne. So she may not even remember it tomorrow. Of course the next time I see her I’ll feel compelled to bring it up. It’ll probably be a while, because she lives in L.A., goes to college on a triple major, has had twenty-unit semesters, works one full time job and one part time job. Maybe during the holidays. And did I mention I’ll be going to see Green Day in late November? The holiday season could be kick ass this year.

I knew there was something I was forgetting. Two somethings. Momentous somethings. First, I have been granted unrestricted access to the vacation compound of the Hall of Elders South. We shall call it Camp South. It is in a coastal community, perhaps considered one of the top coastal towns to visit in California. While Patron Prime was still alive, Camp South was a highly restricted area. With a highly detailed clean up list for the last day of any visit. If you were allowed to go. With his passing, access is open on a first come, first served basis. But if I do go, you can bet I’ll still do the clean up list. So that’s pretty cool.

Second thing is that I have been informed that I will be invited to dinner this month. Not a family dinner. Just the Patron and his brother, who are now the co-patriarchs of the family. And I’m the eldest of all the kids. So I’m sort of third in line to the throne, as it were. And the three of us will be going to dinner sometime this month. The subject or purpose of this dinner has not been specified. So I’m curious. I’ll let you know when it happens. Oh. And people have started asking if I’m dating anyone. Remind me later.

So that’s the wedding with the Hall of Elders South. And a good time was had by all.

My official pimp name is Reverend Doctor Lord Rockefeller. Thanks to all who voted. You know who you are. And thanks for all the great feedback that keeps me going.