Monday, October 11, 2004


“I Must Break You!” What Movie?

This Friday Team America: World Police will be opening. I will be seeing it. In the theater. Possibly more than once. And thanks to Mean Mr. Mustard for getting me off my duff to write this.

Thing is, I normally don’t go to see movies in the theater. It isn’t the cold air conditioning, which I prefer. It isn’t the ridiculously priced snacks and drinks; after all, it’s only money. It’s the people. I’m sure I’ve told you before that I hate all other people who drive on the same roads at the same time as me. Well, I don’t like having people in the same theater with me, unless they’ve actually gone to see the movie with me, if you catch my meaning. People let their little kids run up and down the aisles. People are noisy. People are generally stupid and I hate them. Of course, if you’re bright enough to be reading this blog, I don’t consider you part of the general population. You are the elites who will dominate all others when I become benevolent dictator.

Anyway, it finally came down to diminishing returns. Pretty much the only advantage theaters have over home viewing is bigness and loudness. I’d prefer to control my own loudness, thank you very much. And as for bigness, except for spectacular action type movies, it doesn’t really matter that much. Plus those seem more likely to be crowded with a greater percentage of the less aware who might annoy me. I prefer to watch them over and over on DVD or cable. So for me, theaters have a slightly negative rating. In most cases, the negatives outweigh the positives, and I’m just not interested in going to the movies.

And then there are the exceptions. I’ll begin with two categories: special movies and social movies. Special movies are those that, for some reason, are worth going to the theater to see.

I mentioned above spectacular action type movies. If a movie has just some people talking, I can see that on TV. I mean, Paul Newman is a good-looking guy, but seeing his thirty foot high head in a close-up on the movie screen does nothing more for me than a close-up on my TV screen. The spectacular action movie does look better on the big screen. A massive explosion that fills the screen is simply more massive at the theater. I’m not saying spectacular action movies are necessarily quality films. I think Roger Ebert once said “If you walk out after the movie and you’re talking about the special effects, it couldn’t have been that great a story.” Again, I think it was him, and my memory may be giving you more of a paraphrase than a quote. I just mean that sometimes it’s fun to see stuff blow up (ID4). Sometimes it’s fun to see bad guys get blasted (Tombstone). And sometimes it’s fun to see Sauron defeated and Middle Earth returned to peace (Do I really have to name it?). And that was one of two movies I’ve seen this year in theaters.

Special movies can also be have-to-see-it movies. That’s what Return of the King was for me. Ask me later if you have to know the details. This is also the Team America category. I can’t wait to see it. I’m trying hard to think of the last have-to-see-it movie before Return of the King, and I guess it was The Two Towers. And before that, Fellowship of the Ring. Before that, I can’t remember. And now I’ve got Team America.

But it’s not just me. Check out these other esteemed worthies who will be seeing this movie. Frank J makes his intentions plain here. You go look now!

And you can see Mean Mr. Mustard’s solemn pledge here. You go look now!

Read the comments too, for a special tip.

Me done typing for now. I’ll have to do social movies another time. Go see Team America!
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