Friday, September 07, 2007


Rejected X-Men: Behind The Mutation

The X-Men. You may know them as the superhero team whose greatest power is the power of allegory. You see, the X-Men symbolize the losers, the unwanted, the strange, the different, the minority.

Every time someone calls an X-Man a mutie or a freak, we're reminded that people call gays freaks too. Every time some mutant whose only power is to change colors gets a beatdown from ignorant normals, we're reminded of how whitey thumps on people with black, or brown, or yellow skin.

Those poor X-Men. Of course, in the midst of all this sympathizing, we should also remember that the X-Men are also hoity-toity elites. While they talk a good game of how you're supposed to accept everyone, and you shouldn't treat someone differently just because they're different, they don't really walk the walk.

They're more like Al Gore, flying a gas guzzling private jet from his mansion to some big conference where he'll give a speech about how everyday schlubs like you and me have to live in a mud hut and walk everywhere to control CO2 emissions.

In real life politics, these types are referred to as limousine liberals. I think Richard Jeni once noted that these are the sorts of liberals who plan to solve all the world's problems even if they have to spend every last dime of your money to do it.

So let me ask you: do you see a lot of normal humans on the X-Men? What? You mean they have to be mutants? Wow. A group of elites who won't let most people into their little club. Sounds real welcoming. There are even plenty of mutants who don't get in:

Real name: Helga Alpenhausen.
Hero name: "Van Dyke"
Powers: Able to appear rather more mannish than the typical female. Actively cultivated prehensile chin whiskers can do piercing damage to opponents. May also be used to swing teammate "Blue Skittle" over distances, up heights, or at opponents (see below).
Secret hidden power: Prehensile chin whiskers may act as fabled French tickler during super secret midnight missions.
Special attack: Twirling around in circles, Van Dyke's chin whiskers can be used to whip opponents into helpless submission.

* * * * * * * * * *

Real name: William Armstrong
Hero name: Blue Skittle
Powers: Enhanced sense of balance and agility allows rapid leaping and jumping attacks. Very hard to hit.
Secret hidden shame: After being rejected by X-Men, Blue Skittle was also rejected in favor of Puck at an early tryout for Alpha Flight.
Special Attack: A hurricane of tiny fists.

* * * * * * * * * *

Real name: Who names a turtle? There's like a million eggs there.
Hero name: Gemini Cranium
Powers: Hard shell protects from most damage types.
Secret hidden genitals: Unlike "Big Al," Gemini Cranium doesn't "know where his dick is."
Special Attack: Does double damage against leafy vegetation.

Don't they count? Don't they matter? Aren't they just as oppressed and put down as any other mutants? And yet here they sit, rejected by those bigoted X-Men.

Have the X-Men no shame? Have you no sense of decency, X-Men, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?
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