Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Rockstar Elimination

Here's me, on August 15: She's certainly earned enough goodwill from me that I would vote for her just on the strength of her prior performances.

Here's Gilby, on August 30: You've built up so much credit with us . . . (or words to that effect). Thanks for stopping by to read, Gilby.

Actually, at that point, I was talking about Storm, and her credit with me is so bad that she needs to declare bankruptcy. This was an awful show. You know how sometimes on the elimination show, they'll say stuff about how the three people on the block made it a very difficult decision? Usually, that's supposed to be a compliment, meaning they all did so well. Tonight, it would have been an insult, meaning they all sucked so bad, it was hard to tell who was worst.

Ryan - Baba O'Reilly: Look, I am a big fan of the Who. I'm a pretty big fan of this song. Ryan was up against a lot by choosing this song to sing. Where do I start? He botched it right at the beginning, when he couldn't open the champagne in time and came in late on a lyric. He seemed to be stuck screaming on a single note the whole song. His mike twirling was atrocious. He couldn't take his jacket off. He wanted to act all dangerous jumping off the speakers, but he looked like a nervous, ninety year old man during the six or seven years it took him to climb up there. That look on Gilby's face said it all. I knew it was over for Ryan right then. Then he had some more bad mike twirling. If Daltrey was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave. In fact, someone ought to check in with him, just to see if he did, in fact, wherever he was on planet Earth, start spinning madly at about 7:22pm. Fortunately, by being voted off, Ryan can devote himself to his true calling and begin his career as a butcher. Good riddance.

Storm - Helter Skelter: Ok, I'm not a musician, but was this song any good even when he Beatles did it? All this time, Storm keeps complaining about the songs she has to sing. You know what? Maybe it's a good thing they pick the songs for the contestants to choose from. Here I was, waiting for her to rock out on some song, to finally get away from the ballads, or the disco songs, or whatever else the excuse of the week is for her, and this is the best she can do? When you're up for elimination, it's like they give you home field advantage. You're picking the song you want, the arrangement you want, everything you can do to show off the best that you can give. If this is the best Storm can do when everything is in her favor, oh man. She should have been gone long ago. The reason I'd keep her? I hated Ryuan more. The reason the guys kept her? They hated Ryan more, plus she did her Slutty McHumperdick dance on Tommy's lap this time. And thanks Philip for the pointer on her nickname. Oh, and she thinks it's the first punk rock song? Who gives a dry hump what you think, Slutty McHumperdick. And by the way, Miss Tori pointed out the microphone sticking out of your pants at the end there. When I asked her if it was really your penis sticking out, I was only half-kidding. What did you think you were doing at the end, carrying Dilana off into the sunset? What, are you every male lead in any western made between 1952 and 1957? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Dilana - Psycho Killer: First, I was surprised that she was in the bottom three. I thought she set herself back on track last night. Second, I like the Talking Heads and this song. Third, the only thing I liked about Dilana tonight is that she didn't destroy some Stones song like Midnight Rambler and make tonight's show a trifecta of British Invasion mangling. Sounded to me like she missed some lyrics. Rather than hooting and hollering in a rock way, her hoots sounded like a Woodsy the Owl impersonator performing at the second annual Podunk Falls Folk Music Festival of 1974. If she had done this song last night, she would have deserved to be in the bottom three, but as Gilby said, she had enough credit with the guys that they were able to overlook even this terrible performance.

Toby kicked ass once again on the encore. I liked his outfit, and Miss Tori wondered if I have a little bit of a man-crush on him. I like ties, ok? It looked good. I'm not gay for Toby! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Might as well go ahead and rank the final five:

1. Toby - he's been coming on strong, good performances, not feeling stale, bored, or repetitive with him.
2. Magni - health concerns aside, he's solid.
3. Dilana - I was so disappointed, she drops two slots.
4. Lukas - what choice do I have, with Storm at the bottom?
5. Slutty McHumperdick - now that Ryan is gone, all of my hatred will focus on her.

Alan's elimination recap is here.
Check back with Philip to look for his here.
Bill has his recap here, and he is good enough to include a YouTube of David Byrne performing Psycho Killer to save you from the unholiness that was unleashed by Dilana. Bless you, sir.
perfect: but he looked like a nervous, ninety year old man during the six or seven years it took him to climb up there
LOL. I think that was the exact moment they cut over to Gilby and that look on his face told me he was seeing the same thing we were. Sad
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