Monday, May 16, 2005


French Google Creeps Me Out

So I saw that I was 784 on a certain search result recently. Which is kind of lame in one sense, but there were let’s see . . . 2,810,000 results, so that might be a good percentage or ratio or something. I’m unwilling, though not necessarily unable, to do the math, but that’s gotta be like the 99th percentile or something, right? Ok fine. I admit it. I felt guilty. And then I remembered there is this little calculator program on the computer. It was perfectly willing to do the math. The number turns out to be .9997 and a bunch of numbers so miniscule that I could type the next twenty digits at random and not affect the result.

I’m some sort of hot shit on some Frenchie’s search for, wait let me go get it, “come to me bend to me.” And now I’m going to feel guilty if I don’t go and see how many of the nearly three million results are some sort of grown up type mature entertainment. I just feel that I’d be letting you down as a writer if I didn’t do some thorough research into this.

Update: Back again. The first obvious example was 830. One or two may have slipped by me earlier as I skimmed through, but 830 caught my eye. The sample text really jumped out. The only bit I’d feel comfortable quoting is “Let’s feel good together.” You’ll have to work for the rest. It’s the last item on page 83. I’ll admit I was surprised when every item on page 84 was solidly adult. I thought there’d be a few normal sites sprinkled in, slowly dwindling to all-perv dominance. Page 85? All material of the mature variety. Ohhhhh so much variety. All the rest? Likely the same. I’ll accept the trend as proof and assume the rest.

What does it all mean? Who searches for that anyway? Why must I hear a lame French accent in my head, saying “Come to me. Bend to me” over and over? Some French people are creepy. Some French people are jerks. You’ll note I didn’t go all absolutist with it. CYA and all. I mean, there have to be some good French people. What about LeBeau (in the chef‘s hat)? Wasn’t he the guy on Hogan’s Heroes? Pepe Le Pew, he’s good. Maybe Napoleon, if you like military history. Anyone? Anyone? Oh! Robert Guillaume. Yes, he was born in St. Louis. But it sounds French, and I was running out of actually notable French people and/or skunks.

But back to what it means. It means I kick porn’s ass! Yeah, I rule! “Come to me, porn. Bend to me!”

Full disclosure compels me to note that this also means I’m 784 of 829 on the “normal” results. My backstabbing calculator puts the percentile at .0542. Woo-fricken-hoo.
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