Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Exorcism! Exorcism! Get Yer Cursed Mattress Exorcism Right Here!

Alternate title: You’ll Get This In A Chain Email Within Two Years.

So Witty Sex Kitten likes the snuggles, but doesn’t have a guy to snuggle with on a regular basis. Her job is to put some thought into why this problem exists and what she can do to change things. My job is to mooch hits by writing long cheesy advice on some minor point about her mattress. The tender vittles:

Maybe it's cursed. Maybe I need to spray some sort of potion on it, drip candle wax on it, and chant. How would one get candle wax out of a mattress cover though?

You could always go voodoo on the mattress curse, and you wouldn’t even have to worry about getting wax off it. All you need is some part of the subject of your efforts. Normally this would be a lock of hair or some other uniquely personal item. But do mattresses have personal items? I can only think of one. Find that “Do Not Remove” tag, and remove it.

Cut the tag into two paper doll figures, taking care to make sure they are holding “hands” rather than two separate and unconnected figures. You’ll also need to make sure “your” doll is tall, and that “his” doll is cut to proportionally represent him as at least six feet tall. Oh yeah, and “your” doll should have some manner of well defined bosomy region, just to be on the safe side. Now you’ve got “your” bosomy doll and “his” six foot doll, linked by held hands, or perhaps, by something else being held, depending on how good you are with scissors.

Your cause will be helped if you decorate the dolls. Color them in, draw on some appropriate sleeping attire, make them as realistic as possible to the ideal vision you have of an unlonely bed. You might go for bonus voodoo and write “Don’t constantly stare here” across the aforementioned bosomy region. Now you have “your” doll and “his” doll, all ready to go.

You also have the leftover bits of tag that you cut away. These cut away bits represent the history of your mattress that you are exorcising. You’ll need to find a suitable burning items receptacle. These used to be known as ashtrays. You may have one or not. If not, any heavy glass bowl type item will suffice. Bonus voodoo points if you use a champagne glass dedicated (usually etched with something like “Billy and Sally 4 Ever” and given away at wedding or anniversary parties) to some long relationship (penalty points if Billy and Sally have broken up since). On each bit of cut away tag, write the name of one of your one (or two, or three) timers. There may not be enough bits for all the names, in which case, you should focus on those who were in some way disappointing. In other words, if you can’t burn them all, burn the worst first. Now you should have your dolls, the named tag bits for burning, and your burning receptacle.

But what else gets burned? You’ll need some sort of flying symbol. Check your windowsills and see if you can find any dead flies. A better choice would be some sort of butterfly or moth, which would symbolize the emergence of your mattress from the cocoon of lonely beddedness into the glory of long term snuggling. A feather can be used in a pinch, but you’ll have to make sure it’s a feather from a type of bird that mates for life. You’ll also need one drop of honey and one drop of the alcohol that has given you the worst hangover.

Combine the named bits of tag, your flying symbol, the honey, and the alcohol in your burning receptacle. Make sure you have taken proper fire precautions. I would suggest placing the burning receptacle in your kitchen or bathroom sink. Consider removing the battery from your fire alarm, which, while normally useful, can be an annoying interruption during controlled burns. Just make sure you replace it afterwards. Remember that fire needs oxygen. Don’t clump everything; carefully place the items in a loose pile that will allow air to circulate. Best results will be obtained by using wooden matches.

Once you light the pile, dance your dolls around the fire. Do this to honor the past that has brought you to this point as you watch it drift away on the smoke of your sacrifice. Your happy moments drift heavenward on the smoke. The bad moments of charred ash are washed down the drain to the pit of everlasting sorrow. Or your septic tank. If you’re in the bathroom, get bonus points (or at least psychological satisfaction) by flushing the remains instead. Now take the dolls and sleep with them under your pillow and wait for Mr. Wonderful to shimmy on in between the sheets.
Hahahahaha. That was excellent Lord Floppington. Truly deserves a gold star and first place for creativity.

I think my roommate would most certainly think I've gone nuts but who cares what she thinks! I must usher in a new mattress era...roomate's opinion be damned!
Well how is your roommate's mattress doing? Maybe she'll join you. Or bribe her with the rest of the alcohol to look the other way.
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