Thursday, December 23, 2004


I Hate You Guys. I Am So Seriously.

Alternate title: A Very Special Christmas Message.

No, not you guys! All those bastards at the mall. I swear, they are idiots. For getting in my way. I’m an idiot for not ordering everything online weeks ago. There’s plenty of stupidity to go around. I’m sure I told you I live in an area with a higher Stupidity Quotient than most of the country.

I spent more time driving into and out of the parking lot than I did inside the actual mall. And all I had was a list of people, without even possible gifts by their names. Why are all these other idiots taking so long?

I don’t go to many malls. I’m too busy perfecting the life of the hermit. But, most malls I’ve been in have a similar layout: one massive hallway, stores on the left and right sides and a whole bunch of stands selling this and that right down the middle of the mall. This conveniently divides traffic to left and right, and many people treat it like traffic lanes. Most people on the right are going one way, while the people on the left go the opposite way. On neither side do they move faster than arthritic ninety year olds with walkers. If they actually were ninety years old, I could live with that. But they aren’t. Forget walking and chewing bubble gum, these people have barely mastered walking.

I dealt with two different clerks in two different stores. Both said “Happy holidays” rather than "Merry Christmas." I am ambivalent. Maybe it’s just all the talk about booting the Salvation Army from the front of Target stores, or “Merry Christmas” being banished from the Macy’s lexicon, but the generic greeting really stood out. Kind of sucky, but I guess I can deal with it. After all, I picked a “Happy Holidays” card for Elder Prime, who is Jewish.

At one end of the mall, they staked out this kiddie play area, something to keep the kids happy while Mom goes and buys stuff. Get this, even the play area has a sponsor! This play area was provided by Food-4-Less. I can’t speak for all their stores, but the ones I’ve been in are kind of like the K-mart of grocery stores. You can say Martha Martha Martha! all you want, but let’s face it, the place has the rep of a third world country among that type of store. Same goes for Food-4-Less. The sick part? Some of the stuff looked fun.

So what made it all worthwhile? Sure, I could say it’s the happiness these gifts will bring, but let’s face facts. The thing that made it worth it is hot chicks. I swear, beautiful women of all shapes and sizes are everywhere, and I can’t just live by Witty Sex Kitten or Princess Wolfie or Miss Lola alone. Women are nature’s presents, and the gift keeps on giving all year round. Let’s have a little Christmas Prayer, shall we?

“Lord in heaven, thank you for the wonderful bounty you have bestowed upon us, in all your wisdom. Thank you also for the heavily lens corrected eyes that allow me to enjoy your creative majesty. Thank you for bosomy regions, hiney areas, long graceful necks, well-defined calves, and thank you for helping the uggos by giving them personalities that are so wonderful you can see past the surface to the beauty within. All hail your infinite wisdom as we celebrate this holy day. Amen.”

I stopped at the grocery store (not Food-4-Less) on the way home, and then I hit some more traffic, which was also annoying. This time there were flashing lights. Why must people stare at accidents and delay me? Do they know I’m behind them and it ticks me off? And it’s almost never worth it. I mean, for all these idiots to waste my time like this, I expect to see body parts scattered around. What do I usually get? Someone with a dinged fender.

Not this time though. I happened to pull even just as they were tipping a car back from upside down to right side up. No gore, but still scary. Whoever it was, hope they and their family will be ok.

This will be it for me until at least Saturday, maybe Sunday, so let’s sum up this Christmas post.
1.) Everyone I don’t know or who doesn’t read this blog is an idiot put on earth to test my patience.
2.) God’s greatest achievement? Women.
3.) People who get in accidents where I might be driving are jerks, upon whom I don’t necessarily wish death.

I am so going to hell. Then again, since God never came through on my own uggo-overcoming personality, what do I really owe him?

Now I’m really going to hell.
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