Wednesday, August 11, 2004


John Fantasyland Kerry Saved My Sex Life

I suppose most people from time to time must think about their sex lives. Or their lack of one. I have pondered the latter case for a while now. It bothers me. I worry about it. And now, it makes me wish I had John Fantasyland Kerry syndrome. A Kerry mouthpiece named Johnson appeared on Fox and Friends. Check out the cheese filled tender vittles (emphasis mine):

JOHNSON: John Kerry has said on the record that he had a mistaken recollection earlier. He talked about a combat situation on Christmas Eve 1968 which at one point he said occurred in Cambodia. He has since corrected the record to say it was some place on a river near Cambodia and he is certain that at some point subsequent to that he was in Cambodia. My understanding is that he is not certain about that date.

KILMEADE: I think the term was he had a searing memory of spending Christmas - back in 1986 in the senate floor in Cambodia.

JOHNSON: I believe he has corrected the record to say it was some place near Cambodia he is not certain whether it was in Cambodia but he is certain there was some point subsequent to that that he was in Cambodia.

The full article can be found here. I found it thanks to the Top Banana in a link filled post here. You go look now!

Ok questions. First, I just told you where you can find the article I cited, and I named the show the article was talking about. Johnson says Kerry has said the recollection was mistaken, and that Kerry said this “on the record.” Well unless he means on Greta Van Susteren’s show, I would like to know to whom, exactly, Kerry personally said he was mistaken in his recollection, and where, exactly, this record can be found. This may sound nit-picky, but Kerry seems to have a chronic condition in which he doesn't mean what he said and he doesn't say what he meant. He just isn't faithful one hundred percent. So forgive me if I’m not willing to take at face value Johnson, and what he says about what he claims Kerry has said. Come on, folks. If a week from now Johnson says something like, “Well he didn’t actually say it himself, during a speech or on the record with a specific journalist such that one could go and review his exact words, but that was what he was thinking, which is the same thing, really,” would you be surprised? Or, like me, would you think that this sort of double-dealing, what the meaning of “is” is, sort of behavior, showing a lack of character, honesty and trustworthiness, is exactly what I’ve come to expect of Kerry, because that’s all I ever seem to hear from him. Johnson goes on to add “he has since corrected the record,” still pretty firm, along with the weaker (and weaselly) “I believe he has corrected the record.” But we might let that last one go as bad word choice; lots of people say “I believe” or “I think.” It might have been nice, since we’re talking about specifics, if Johnson had been a little more careful.

Second, appropriately, is the question of this second (or I guess it was actually the first, now, possibly) trip to Cambodia. Question: If Kerry thought he was in Cambodia on Christmas Eve 1968 (seared--seared in his memory, remember), but realizes now that it was a mistaken recollection, how can he so sure that this other trip really was in Cambodia (I haven’t yet seen a characterization of how well-cooked this memory is), and not just another mistaken recollection?

So what does all that have to do with my sex life? Well, I thought I didn’t have one, but now I realize that using John Fantasyland Kerry’s way of thinking, my sex life is great! After all, I’ve been near lots of women. Just think, all this time, and I never knew what a stud I was. I wonder if Wilt Chamberlain ever had a moment like this?

Update: “…at one point he said occurred in Cambodia.” He only said it one time?Correct me if I’m wrong, internet hive mind, but didn’t Kerry make the Christmas in Cambodia claim at least twice in published reports seven years apart? Or maybe Johnson just meant that the total number of times Kerry said this was actually not one, but near one instead.

Update II: Does anyone have a grammar book handy that would explain whether “seared--seared” or “certain” is the more emphatic intensifier?
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