Friday, August 13, 2004


From The Files Of The Vigilance Squad. Part Two

In the last dispatch from the Gatherer, we learned about what Whoopi actually said at the fundraiser. He was supposed to let us know about the cover-up next. And he promised it was scary. If you want to catch up on what has been revealed about that story so far, you can find it here.

But we never heard back. Turns out the Gatherer got a vibe on another story from a few sources, and he got distracted. This is what happened:

The Gatherer was first intrigued by a tidbit from Carl from Timonium, MD. It can be found here. You go look now!

Then he noticed something odd at the end of a post by SarahK. At the end of a long piece about an imaginary Alias episode, the stay tuned for part two info was quickly changed. “Will SarahK and Jack sing ‘I Got You Babe” at karaoke?” wasn’t in the post originally. It replaced this line, “Will SarahK and Frank J sing ‘I Got You Babe’ at their wedding reception?” The coverup can be found here. You go look now!

SarahK’s gloriously feminine nature can be blamed for her blabbermouth. Elsewhere on her site she has talked about how much she “heart(s)” Frank J and that she ought to “set her sights” on him. You go look now!

Frank J’s masculine nature makes him better at keeping secrets. He has even thrown up some red herrings to distract everyone from his big announcement. You go look now!

The Gatherer had a theory. Now all he needed was a source. He cast his thoughts out, his “Source Sense” reaching into the ether. Nothing. He tried harder, the psychic tendrils moving beyond the boundaries of space, searching the Mirror, Mirror universe and other alternate realities. Still nothing. The Gatherer’s powers told him there was a source, somewhere.

The Gatherer set his jaw and redoubled his efforts. His face was red from the strain. His helmety hair started to muss. Beads of sweat dripped from his brow as his glasses fogged up. Then a sudden thunderclap boom ripped the silence, and the Gatherer was seized by a wrenching feeling of nausea and vertigo as he fell into unconsciousness.

He was awakened by the melodious chimes of happy bells. The Gatherer opened his eyes to find himself on a grassy plain, bounded by a looming jungle to his right. He turned at a the sound of familiar hoots and grunts behind him.

Gatherer: Monkey Head! What are you, you know, doing here? And where is here anyway?

Monkey head: (Hoot, grunt, hoot) We’re in the future! I was banished here during a battle that hasn’t yet happened in your time. I can’t tell you about it without ruining space-time and destroying the universe.

Gatherer: That sounds pretty inconvenient.

Monkey Head: Stupid hippies. I can’t believe they got Time on their side (hoot).

Gatherer: Maybe I could take you back with me?

Monkey Head: Same problem (hoot, grunt). I can’t come back to your time until after the day I was sent here. You’ll know when that day comes, and you can come (grunt) get me then. By the way, congratulations on being able to travel (hoot) through time to find sources. You’ve changed a lot from the old days.

Gatherer: I could say the same; you’re able to, to hold actual conversations now. Used to be you only said two things aside from hoots and grunts, “When is the time to kill?!?” and “Now is the time to kill!!!”

Monkey Head: Now is the time to kill!!! Muh ha ha!! I love that. I’ve had some time to evolve a little more since I’ve been here. But what brings you here? What story am I sourcing for you?

Gatherer: I’ve got this theory, based on, you know, some sources here and there, that Frank J and SarahK might be about to announce their nuptials on August 16th 2004. Being the Gatherer, you know I am compelled to scoop all others.

Monkey Head: (hoot, hoot, HOOT!!!) Ahhh, 2004, what a great year. I can help you Gatherer. Remember when Frank J had that “business” trip, and all that talk about gambling? That was a cover. He’s such a good writer you probably couldn’t tell. He really went to her place. After some appropriate getting acquainted time, they realized they were perfect for each other. Now, whenever Frank J looks at SarahK, baby Jesus smiles. Oh, by the way, his sitcom is hilarious. It ended up being on the air longer than “I Love Lucy.” And you wouldn’t believe all the bastards that rip off his bits. Now is the time to kill (HOOT HOOT GRUNT HOOT!!!!)!!!!

Gatherer: Easy there, Monkey head. Maybe you should, uh, switch to decaf bananas.

They both could hear the melodious chimes of happy bells beginning again.

Gatherer: Uh oh! That sound means I’ve secured my, my source info and my powers are taking me back to my own time. Good bye Monkey Head!

Monkey Head: (Grunt, hoot) Remember me, Gatherer!

Gatherer: Don’t worry, Monkey Head; I’ll come back for you! Oh wait! Am I still on Fox News Channel…?

But he shimmered and disappeared, back to our time, before Monkey Head could answer.
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