Saturday, August 21, 2004


Does Anyone Ever Win One Of These Things? What Movie?

If you can guess, or rather, if you know the movie from that tiny bit of dialogue I could still quote accurately, and I feel bad that I can’t remember more, please believe me on that, then this post may really resonate with you. I think of that scene from time to time. And if you do know it, I tip my hat to you, for you are truly worthy.

This an imaginary conversation that I dread. I am extremely careful about how I act around Princess Wolfie because I don’t want something like this to happen.

Maybe in the future because of our joking around or whatever (and if you‘ve been reading the last several posts, you know I talked about my conflicted thoughts about whether or not it is flirting), and she only thinks of me as a friend, trust me, although I’ve written elsewhere that I’m no good at hints, so what do I know, but I think it would most likely be because someone would pick up on tiny slips that were my fault, it somehow gets around that I like her and Princess Wolfie asks me if I have a crush on her.

This is tricky territory. See, it’s not just a crush. She is my friend. I have very intense feelings for her. Maybe I’ve put her on a pedestal. That never crossed my mind til just now. Doesn’t that have a negative connotation? I need to check on that. She is just so great. And maybe I do love her. But she’s married, and as long as that’s true nothing is going to happen. Yes, even if she approached me in a manner so obvious that even my thick skull could be penetrated by the knowledge of it.

I mean a guy’s gotta have some scruples. And don’t I sit and say “You go, Jerry!” when Springer asks some gal why she didn’t tell her husband she didn’t love him, get a divorce, and then start dating and sleeping with her loverboy? So no, I wouldn’t have an affair with her. Full disclosure requires me to admit that if she did declare her intentions and get a divorce, I would date her in a second.

And I accept that she will not return these feelings, and I don’t care, she’s still pretty damn great. So I guess I love her as a friend. That must be it. Why couldn’t I just realize that from the beginning? That’s a whole other discussion. Remind me later.

Or am I rationalizing things again? Look she’s my friend. And she’s super great. It’s just that her greatness is much greater than other great people I know. Shit. So I do love her. But nothing’s gonna happen and that’s ok with me. And all of this goes through my mind when she asks me if I have a crush on her.

So what am I supposed to say? Can I really tell her the truth? Can I even tell you guys? It just sounds so stupid. You will laugh. It’s embarrassing. Screw it. Here we go. When I first met her, I had this vision. It stunned me. We’re close to the same age, thirtyish I guess, to be suitably non-specific. It’s germane, I promise. I just know you’re going to laugh. This sucks. Ok I have this vision. And in the vision, she’s very old. I mean like ninety-two or something. And it wasn’t just the way she looked. I could sort of see inside her. I could see her mind, not specific memories but an impression of her life experiences. I could see her soul, and what kind of person she had been all these years. And it was just impressed upon me that if I knew her from right now until she becomes the ninety-two year old woman of the vision, I will have had an amazing and wonderful life. But how in the hell do you tell someone that? And given the realities of the situation, how could I even consider telling her that?

So Princess Wolfie asks me if I have a crush on her and I tell her no that I only think of her as a friend.

What else could I do?

Life is weird.
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