Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Warning: Bad Words And Human Biology Discussed.

Ok so here’s this email I got. You’ve probably seen it. I’m sure it’s been around the internet several times:

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old, only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time, which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HR. and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to seven bright women you know and make! their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.

The email was unsigned.

I thought all that stuff was the reason why guys are nicer to gals than to other guys. Never hit a lady. And if she hits you? Tough shit. You must have had it coming. And you still can't hit her back. On a sidewalk, the guy walks on the outside near the street while the lady gets the inside near the building. Open/hold doors for women. We'll go fight in wars; we won't force you to go. Who carries who over the threshold? Who's got a big honkin diamond and who has the plain band? Which is the bigger holiday, Mother's Day or Father's Day? Who gets cheap drinks on ladies night? In our culture today, who can you talk bad about and run down? Do you watch Oprah? It ain't the gals. Watch TV. It's filled with moronic husbands blessed by angelic wives. And you know this cause when the husband does win, it's inevitably noted as the exception that proves the rule of the wife's perfection. Why, you can't even get past line two in the email without hearing about what complete and utter idiots all men are. And they aren't just idiots. Line two also makes it plain that men are supposed to be regarded with utter disdain. Hey guys, good news! Turns out we're not just stupid, we're also worthy . . . of being held in contempt by the enlightened women who would be living in heaven on earth if all of us were dead. And snapping bras? Didn’t that go out with dipping pigtails in inkwells? Besides, gals ought to like snapping bras. It demonstrates guys’ sensitivity. Women like hinting or sighing or ho humming, and then expecting the guy to know what they mean. Ladies, we ain’t psychic. We need to hear it. Now little Billy snapping the bra is showing he hasn’t cut mommy’s apron strings. He is hinting that he likes the girl instead of saying it. The difference is, Billy will grow out of it. And here’s an idea, plain-spoken and hint-free. If pregnancy is so awful, don’t get pregnant. There are plenty of babies waiting to be adopted. And why is the doctor who is delivering the baby evil? What did he have to do with the woman getting pregnant? And are all of your bellies really that flat before you got pregnant? You make it sound like you were Jennifer Aniston before you got pregnant, and ended up looking like Margaret Hamilton’s uglier stunt double on the Wizard of Oz set after the child is born. Oh and after childbirth? I’ve changed diapers and wiped snotty noses, and I don’t even have kids. I guess it’s just another sign of my male stupidity that I thought guys get to take part in raising a child. Apparently we never do. And why wait til your 40’s? If your idiot husband isn’t giving you satisfaction, in whichever area of your marriage, go ahead and dump him and find a young perfect man who will make your dreams come true. He’ll still be stupid, of course. Guys can’t help it. Why not reverse it and complain that at my sexual peak at 18, the women my age won’t catch up til they hit their 40’s? Us guys are probably too dense to come up with something like that. You have to modify your diet? Hey guess what? Other people do too. Ever hear of ulcers or diabetes? Go tell your sob story to the grave of someone who died from a peanut allergy. Do you remember biology ladies? It’s that science class you were no good at in 10th grade. Well many cities and towns have buildings with lots of books inside. They’re called libraries. Go there and ask for help finding a biology text. Then read it. You’ll discover that neither your husband nor your ob-gyn had anything to do with the effects pregnancy has on a woman’s body. Blame it on evolution or God, not us. Do short people feel this same vitriolic hatred about tall people? Oh. I should have realized this before. Must be my stupidity kicking in. If you’re really complaining that men your age can’t satisfy your voracious sexual peak needs, aren’t you just encouraging them to look for younger women whose needs are more compatible with theirs? Talk about biting the “hand” that “feeds” you. And then you have the nerve to complain that older guys want younger women. Doesn’t seem very logical, but then again, you are women. Forget about weaker sex. I guess you aren't even the "fairer" sex anymore.

Bonus section for women who read this: Of course I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about all those other bitches. What? This lame excuse/apology doesn’t help? You still think I said hurtful and offensive things? Well now you know how I feel. And I didn’t even get the lame excuse.
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