Friday, July 23, 2004


New Details Of Whoopi’s Fundraiser Comments

A few days ago, the Bouncer was preparing omelets. He diced ingredients and whisked eggs, bouncing all the while. Bouncing to the stove, bouncing to set the table, even bouncing in place as he called his dog. “Poochles! Come on in here boy!” Of course, the Bouncer does his best to control his bouncing at work, in order to protect his secret identity. Even so, when he’s on TV he still exhibits barely perceptible bouncing.

“There’s my boy!” Poochles the entered the kitchen, his little nails making their clicky-clacky noises as he trotted over to the Bouncer. “Have a little snack, boy,” said the Bouncer, tossing a few extra pieces of ham and slices of mushroom to the poodle before turning back to flip the omelet.

“Le Woof!” barked Poochles before he ate the ham. Later, he would carry the mushrooms in his mouth to the spare bedroom and drop them in the floor vent. No one knows why. Except, perhaps, the Gatherer.

“You know, Poochles, it turns out Joe Wilson lied and Sandy Berger stole stuff. What this means for the Democrats is --” The Bouncer paused as he noticed a shimmer in the air to his immediate left. With the melodious chimes of happy bells, the Gatherer materialized.

“You pontificated?” the Gatherer asked.

“Yes, but the exciting part is I don’t even need people anymore! I can summon you by pontificating to the dog.” Bouncer motioned to the table. “Come sit down, I made you breakfast.”

“This better be the best damn omelet I’ve ever eaten. You pulled me out of the shower you know!” growled the Gatherer.

The Bouncer laughed. “So that’s why you’re naked and wet. I was afraid I might have pulled you out of Martha Stewart’s cell-warming party. Look, I put out a robe for you on your chair, it is the best damn omelet you’ve eaten, and I can’t wait to hear the big scoop you got.”

“Well, as you know, none of my regular sources could come through for me about what actually happened at that fundraiser at which, you know, Whoopi Goldberg performed and which has been the subject of some controversy of late.”

“That’s old news, Gatherer. Nobody’s talking about that anymore,” the Bouncer protested.

“That’s only because Kerry’s forces clamped a lid on it so successfully. When you hear what went on there, well, even you will be shocked. By the way, my sources tell me you're about to ask if they cut off every leak, how did I hear about it?”

“What do you mean, even I will be shocked? And if they cut off every leak, how did you hear about it? Wait, how did you do that?”

“These are the powers of the Gatherer,” he said, cryptically, as he ate his omelet, also cryptically. It was so cryptic, the omelet didn’t even realize it was being eaten. “Now maybe you’ll think twice about interrupting my shower.”

“Ok, ok, I apologize. So who is this mystery source anyway?”

“I couldn’t find a single source on earth, so I had to look elsewhere.”

“What do you mean, elsewhere? Where else is there?”

“I had to go to the Mirror, Mirror universe, where all of our anti-selves live. I knew the source was there somewhere. I traveled many miles and questioned many potential sources. My senses pulled me along and I followed, until I finally saw him, the Anti-Lieberman. This was the source.”

“Hold on now,” the Bouncer interrupted. “The Anti-Lieberman? What did he look like?”

“He looks just like our Lieberman, with a goatee. He was one of the few who was willing to help me.”

“But Gatherer, since it’s a mirror universe, wouldn’t all Liberals be good, and thus willing to help you?”

The Gatherer nodded. “That’s what I thought too, but actually, the Liberals are so divorced from reality, they end up being evil in all universes. Anti-Lieberman is the only exception I‘ve found so far. My sources tell me you‘ll now summarize and ask about what Whoopi said.”

“Ok, so we’ve got an alternate universe and the Anti-Lieberman; what did Whoopi -- stop that!”

Still to come: Portions of Whoopi’s X-rated routine; plus, how Hillary helped make the cover-up a clean sweep (wow, symbolism and foreshadowing!).

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