Saturday, July 17, 2004


FNC Recovers “Accidentally” Deleted Edwards Transcript. Part Two

This post has been sterilized!

This article is part two of a series. Part one can be found here.

While the situation was unfolding in the studio, what was happening in Xxxxx Xxxxx office? One high ranking source within FNC described the events. “I first became aware of the situation when I got the emergency Manchuria code on my pager. I went directly to Xx. Xxxxx office. The Vigilance Squad was already there.”

The Vigilance Squad is a group of high level operatives within FNC, the GOP, and also includes select conservative thinkers. They live like Peter Parker or Clark Kent. They keep their powers hidden, only using them at times of great need to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way! Five members of the squad were there: Xxxxx XxxxxXxxx XxxxxxxxXxxx Xxxx, Xxxx X'Xxxxxx, and Monkey Head. Our source took a micro cassette recorder when he was summoned to Xxxxx office. The following is a transcript of that meeting.

Xxxxx: All right just what the hell is going on here?

Xxxxxxxx: Well Xxxxx, even with half my brain tied behind my back I can tell you that it’s strange, it’s weird, it’s unnatural, just like gay marriage. Therefore, it must be a Liberal plot.

Xxxx: Shut up Xxxxxxxx! You know we only keep you around in case Michael Moore challenges us to a sumo wrestling grudge match, loser has to leave the country. Speaking of which, eat more carbs! You don’t win sumo being skinny. Bulk up!

X'Xxxxxx: Now, Xxxx, I gotta disagree with you. You’re completely wrong, but I respect you for coming on to defend your views.

Xxxxxxxx: Xxxx, Xxxx. Don’t worry. Part of my talent on loan from God is patience in the face of dinks like him.

Xxxxx: All right just what the hell is going on here?

Monkey Head: When is the time for shooting?

Unidentified Noise: whoosh-boing. The Bouncer had popped up through a trap door in the floor. His only known power is bouncing. He loves his power. He is overjoyed with it. He can barely contain it. Watching him on Xxxxxxx Xxxxxx xxxx Xxxx Xxxx, one frequently sees him bouncing up and down, ever so slightly, in his seat. The Bouncer stepped up to the Vigilance Squad‘s “V”-shaped conference table, then paused, bouncing in place, waiting. A moment later, to the melodious chimes of happy bells, the Gatherer materialized out of thin air just to the left of the Bouncer. 

The Gatherer has two known powers. First, no matter how far he may be, he can always sense when the Bouncer is about to pontificate. Second, when this happens, he is instantly teleported from anywhere on the planet to a position just to the Bouncer’s left. Witnesses to this power say it looks just like the “transporter” effect on the old Star Trek. The Gatherer is rumored to have more sources than all journalists combined. This may be another power. 

Xxxxx: Xxxxx, there’s no reason to panic. Look, all the indicators show that the situation is under control, it’s being studied, and we’ll do what we need to do to in the course of dealing with it.

Xxxxxxxxx: My sources tell me that it has already been determined what happened in the missing seven minutes. Furthermore, they tell me that they got a really lucky break by finding an intern who had accidentally wandered onto the set where the interview was being conducted. The young man was apparently at a safe distance. What that distance is was not made clear, but apparently will be included in the report, which we’ll be hearing in just about three minutes, according to my sources.

Xxxxx: That’s more like it. What else have you got? Who’s running the show down there?

Xxxxxxxxx: The key discovery, aside from the activity logs discovered by the systems engineer down there, was when Dr. Hypnos came across this intern and found he had an eye witness to the event.

Xxxxxx: Xxxx right about something for a change. Not only that, but my sources tell me Edwards is to blame and that his cuddly exterior may conceal the heart of a sadist. Or a masochist. I always get those confused. Which one is the one that likes to inflict pain, is that the masochist, Xxxx?

Xxxxxxxxx: Oooooo. No Xxxx I’m sorry. Sadist. Sadist is the term we were looking for. The sadist likes to inflict pain; the masochist likes to receive it. Good try, though. Select again.

Xxxxxx: Your Trebek impression is really coming along. Have you been working with a voice coach?

Xxxxxxxxx: Why, thank you Xxxx. You might be interested to note that it was Dr. Hypnos who helped me perfect that impression. Turns out he is also a gifted impressionist and a skilled ventriloquist.

Monkey Head: When is the time to kill??

Xxxx: Somebody throw Monkey Head a hippie. Maybe he’ll shut the hell up.

Xxxxxxxx: Now, now Xxxx, as a compassionate conservative, I know what Monkey Head is going through. You see, Monkey Head has an addictive personality. He is addicted to killing hippies and people who smell bad, also known as the French. Addiction is a powerful thing.

X'Xxxxxx: Whaddaya say there Xxxx? Has he got a point?

Xxxx: No! No point! Release the hippie!

A hidden panel in the wall opened and a hippie emerged. After one look at Monkey Head, he ran for the door. Monkey Head followed, drawing three high-caliber handguns as he did so.

Monkey Head: Now is the time to kill!! Now is the time to kill!!

X'Xxxxxx: Xxxx, I’m afraid you’re wrong. Monkey Head isn’t addicted, he’s motivated. That’s a quality to be admired about Americans. And Xxxx. Release the hippies? Ease up on the Mr. Burns there pal. The phrase “Release the hippies” is the most ridiculous item of the week. Thank you both for being here to present your perspectives. For those of you at home, remember, name and town, name and town, if you wish to opine. Xxxx?

Xxxxxxxx: Silly Monkey Head. Now is the time to kill? Actually, now is the time when my sources said Dr. Hypnos would knock on the door.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Up Next: The report of Dr. Hypnos, and more superpowers of the Vigilance Squad.

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