Saturday, July 17, 2004


FNC Recovers “Accidentally” Deleted Edwards Transcript. Part Three

This post has been sterilized!

This is part three of three. Part one can be found here. Part two can be found here.

Dr. Hypnos was ready to deliver his report. His mental probing of the intern had yielded results and he was able to reconstruct the missing seven minutes. Dr. Hypnos has two powers. He is able to read the thoughts of all near him and project his thoughts to them. His other power is his giant mouth with its huge horse-like teeth. Dr. Hypnos projected what he had discovered into the minds of those in the room. The missing seven minutes:

Carl Cameron: You’ve said the performers at the fund-raiser don’t speak for you or Senator Kerry. How does that square with Kerry’s statement that they represent the heart and soul of the Democratic party?

John Edwards: I don’t know what you mean. It’s perfectly clear to me.

Cameron: But isn’t it another example of a Kerry flip-flop?

Edwards: No Carl, I really don’t think it is.

Cameron: So by Senator Kerry saying one thing and you saying the opposite, you can cover both sides of every issue and tell everyone what they want to hear? Is that your plan?

Edwards: It’s unfortunate that you made that connection. I really hate to do this Carl. It hurts me more than it hurts you. But I can’t have you telling people our secret.

As he said this, Edwards’ eyes started to glow. Cameron shrank back in fear.

Cameron: You…You’ll never get away with this!

The glowing eyes narrowed and an aura of golden light suffused the candidate. Overcome by the light, Cameron was transfixed. A look of peace and contentment stole over his features. Edwards directed his gaze to a nearby stage hand, then to a cameraman. One by one, his shimmering glow, his youthful good looks, his heart-warming smile overwhelmed everyone in the room, leaving them all in the same condition as Cameron. Only the intern, who had ducked behind the food table, avoided Edwards’ notice.

X'Xxxxxx: I’m sorry, Dr. Hypnos, but I’ve got to stop you there. This is the no spin zone after all. I’m not buying it. Maybe he could affect the people in the room, I’ll give you that. But what about the video? The transcript?

Hypnos: His abilities are more advanced than we thought. The liberalism is strong in this one. His charm now has the ability to affect machines. It was through this power that he persuaded the video and transcription machines to erase their own data. We believe this newfound machine charisma also explains why he gets along so well with Al Gore. The intern apparently was outside the effective range of the power, which only seems to work in person when Edwards directs it at an individual.

Xxxx: So as long as we’re not in the same room as Edwards, we’re safe from his power. Sort of like a pie at Xxxxxxxx house.

Xxxxxxxx: Allow me to demonstrate absurdity by being absurd. Xxxx, you suck.

Xxxxx: Enough, enough! You two sound like an old married couple. Why don’t you go up to Massachusetts and tie the knot already. Xxxxxxxxx! What’s the bottom line?

Xxxxxxxxx: We should be able to work around the problem without much difficulty. The sticking point will be the Vice-Presidential debate where Cheney and Edwards will be on the same stage together. That could be a big risk for Cheney.

Xxxxxx: Xxxx, you started out on a roll, but here you’re way off. I don’t care how powerful the Edwards’ “glow” is; not even the sun can melt Cheney’s cold, black heart. Believe me, he’ll be safe. And if Edwards tries anything, Cheney would be well within his rights to punch him out. Just like Bush exercised his right to dismiss the NAACP’s invitation to speak.

At this point, the batteries died in the micro cassette recorder our source was carrying, but with everything under control, the meeting ended soon after anyway.

“I was surprised at the way they acted,” continued our source. “Rather than complete harmony, they argued among themselves, just like members of the Fantastic Four or the X-Men. The members of the Vigilance Squad are just like you and me, but with cool powers.”

Future installments in development, including: More superpowers of the Vigilance Squad, and details from the Gatherer about Whoopi’s performance at the fundraiser.

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